Beware The Beast Man...

Obama hits head. Where are the comedians?

Dr. Zaius — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 14:54:24 +0000

First, he mistook an Oval Office window for a door. Then as he was campaigning for his ~~pork barrel spending bill~~ “stimulus package”, he manages to bonk his head while entering Marine One.

Now, I seem to recall the comedians having a FIELD DAY when Gerald Ford stumbled down the steps from Air Force One, and when George W. Bush (a) choked on a pretzel and (b) mistook an ornamental door for….well….a door. What klutzes ! What dolts! What nimrods! Remember that? Let’s see what the late night comedians have to say about Obama’s pratfalls. I don’t know about you, but I’m not holding my breath.

Success is NOT an Option

Dr. Zaius — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 21:30:20 +0000

Yeah, I know, it’s supposed to be “FAILURE is not an option”, but obviously the Democrats in Washington see things a little differently.

Time to take down the bird feeder

Dr. Zaius — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 21:00:44 +0000

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table…everywhere.

Then some of the birds turned mean: They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud: They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn’t even sit on my own back porch anymore. I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be…quite, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now lets see…our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen. Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.

Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child’s 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn’t speak English; Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to press “one” to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than “Old Glory” are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Maybe it’s time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

Hillary speaks to Native Americans

Dr. Zaius — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 20:52:47 +0000

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The American Indian nation last year in upper New York State …She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed “YES” for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her “red sisters and brothers”.

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name – Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

Interesting phone poll results

Dr. Zaius — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 20:50:54 +0000

The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor’s office, asked whether people who live in Florida think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: “Yes, it is a serious problem.“

71% of respondents answered: “No es una problema seriosa.“

Repeat Customer

Dr. Zaius — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 20:47:00 +0000

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

“May I help you?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.

“No. I must see Valerie,” was the man’s reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row–too expensive–and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.

The man replied, “South Carolina.” “Really” she said. “I have family in South Carolina.”

“I know,” the man said. “Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Clocks in Heaven

Dr. Zaius — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 20:30:32 +0000

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.”

“Oh”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s”, replied St. Peter. “The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible”, said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Hillary’s clock?” asked the man.

“Hillary’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan. “

Chinese Laundry

Dr. Zaius — Tue, 15 May 2007 18:25:34 +0000

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :

“USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

“USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

“I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!”

Giuliani Reaffirms Abortion Rights

Dr. Zaius — Fri, 11 May 2007 17:14:57 +0000

Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani on Friday urged conservatives to look past his support for abortion rights, arguing that his divergence on the issue should not disqualify him from being the party’s GOP nominee.

Wanna bet Rudy? One big reason GW was elected and re-elected was his opposition to abortion. The majority of Americans abhor abortion and would favor some restrictions. Candidates on the Left and Right have to appeal to their BASE when running for the nomination. You cannot start out the nomination process in the “middle”. The candidate chosen by the Republicans will be a conservative in ALL aspects.

Full article: Giuliani Reaffirms Abortion Rights

Muslim vs. Jewish contributions

Dr. Zaius — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 16:59:16 +0000

A friend of mine sent this to me. I think it speaks volumes….

Muslim vs. Jewish Contributions to the World

Muslim

The Global Islamic population is approximately 1,200,000,000, or 20% of
the world population.

They have received the following Nobel Prizes:

Literature:

1988 – Najib Mahfooz

Peace:

1978 – Mohamed Anwar El-Sadat
1994 – Yaser Arafat:
1990 – Elias James Corey
1999 – Ahmed Zewa

Economics:

**(none)**

Medicine:

1960 – Peter Brian Medawar
1998 – Ferid Mourad

**************************************************************************

Jewish

The Global Jewish population is approximately 14,000,000, or about 0.02%
of the world population.

They have received the following Nobel Prizes:

Literature:

1910 – Paul Heyse
1927 – Henri Bergson
1958 – Boris Pasternak
1966 – Shmuel Yosef Agnon
1966 – Nelly Sachs
1976 – Saul Bellow
1978 – Isaac Bashevis Singer
1981 – Elias Canetti
1987 – Joseph Brodsky
1991 – Nadine Gordimer World

Peace:

1911 – Alfred Fried
1911 – Tobias Michael Carel Asser
1968 – Rene Cassin
1973 – Henry Kissinger
1978 – Menachem Begin
1986 – Elie Wiesel
1994 – Shimon Peres
1994 – Yitzhak Rabin

Physics:

1905 – Adolph Von Baeyer
1906 – Henri Moissan
1907 – Albert Abraham Michelson
1908 – Gabriel Lippmann
1910 – Otto Wallach
1915 – Richard Willstaetter
1918 – Fritz Haber
1921 – Albert Einstein
1922 – Niels Bohr
1925 – James Franck
1925 – Gustav Hertz
1943 – Gustav Stern
1943 – George Charles de Hevesy
1944 – Isidor Issac Rabi
1952 – Felix Bloc h
1954 – Max Born
1958 – Igor Tamm
1959 – Emilio Segre
1960 – Donald A. Glaser
1961 – Robert Hofstadter
1961 – Melvin Calvin
1962 – Lev Davidovich Landau
1962 – Max Ferdinand Perutz
1965 – Richard Phillips Feynman
1965 – Julian Schwinger
1969 – Murray Gell-Mann
1971 – Dennis Gabor
1972 – William Howard Stein
1973 – Brian David Josephson
1975 – Benjamin Mottleson
1976 – Burton Richter
1977 – Ilya Prigogine
1978 – Arno Allan Penzias
1978 – Peter L Kapitza
1979 – Stephen Weinberg
1979 – Sheldon Glashow
1979 – Herbert Charle s Brown
1980 – Paul Berg
1980 – Walter Gilbert
1981 – Roald Hoffmann
1982 – Aaron Klug
1985 – Albert A. Hauptman
1985 – Jerome Karle
1986 – Dudley R. Herschbach
1988 – Robert Huber
1988 – Leon Lederman
1988 – Melvin Schwartz
1988 – Jack Steinberger
1989 – Sidney Altman
1990 – Jerome Friedman
1992 – Rudolph Marcus
1995 – Martin Perl
2000 – Alan J. Heeger

Economics:

1970 – Paul Anthony Samuelson
1971 – Simon Kuznets
1972 – Kenneth Joseph Arrow
1975 – Leonid Kantorovich
1976 – Milton Friedman
1978 – Herbert A. Simon
1980 – Lawrence Robert Klein
1985 – Franco Modigliani
1987 – Robert M. Solow
1990 – Harry Markowitz
1990 – Merton Miller
1992 – Gary Becker
1993 – Robert Fogel

Medicine:

1908 – Elie Metchnikoff
1908 – Paul Erlich
1914 – Robert Barany
1922 – Otto Meyerhof
1930 – Karl Landsteiner
1931 – Otto Warburg
1936 – Otto Loewi
1944 – Joseph Erlanger
1944 – Herbert Spencer Gasser
1945 – Ernst Boris Chain
1946 – Hermann Joseph Muller
1950 – Tadeus Reichstein
1952 – Selman Abra ham Waksman
1953 – Hans Krebs
1953 – Fritz Albert Lipmann
1958 – Joshua Lederberg
1959 – Arthur Kornberg
1964 – Konrad Bloch
1965 – Francois Jaco b
1965 – Andre Lwoff
1967 – George Wald
1968 – Marshall W. Nirenberg
1969 – Salvador Luria
1970 – Julius Axelrod
1970 – Sir Bernard Katz
1972 – Gerald Maurice Edelman
1975 – Howard Martin Temin
1976 – Baruch S. Blumberg
1977 – Roselyn Sussman Yalow
1978 – Daniel Nathans
1980 – Baruj Benacerraf
1984 – Cesar Milstein
1985 – Michael Stuart Brown
1985 – Joseph L. Goldstein
1986 – Stanley Cohen [& Rita Levi-Montalcini]
1988 – Gertrude Elion
1989 – Harold Varmus
1991 – Erwin Neher
1991 – Bert Sakmann
1993 – Richard J. Roberts
1993 – Phillip Sharp
1994 – Alfred Gilman
1995 – Edward B. Lewis

The Jews are not promoting brain washing the children in military
training camps, teaching them how to blow themselves up and cause maximum
deaths of Jews and other non Muslims.

The Jews don’t hijack planes, nor kill athletes at the Olympics.

The Jews don’t traffic slaves, nor have leaders calling for Jihad and
death to all the Infidels.

Perhaps the world’s Muslims should consider investing more in standard
education and less in blaming the Jews for all their problems.

Regardless of your feelings about the crisis between Israel and the
Palestinians and Arab neighbors, even if you believe there is more
culpability on Israel’s part, the following two sentences really say it
all:

If the Arabs put down their weapons today, there would be no more
violence. If the Jews put down their weapons today, there would be no
more Israel.